DeBloat@Brown

I Ate 3,805 Meals to Find Out Why My Stomach Feels Like a Balloon at Brown  

Receiving an Ivy League education is said to unlock upward mobility, but with a 65% increase in soybeans at Brown, soon all we'll have is motility — and not in a good way. 

Digestive bloat and "the runs" on campus have reached crisis levels. According to U.S. News & World Report, Brown has the second-highest rate of post-dining discomfort in America, with 93% of students feeling “uncomfortably full" after dining hall meals, and 7% mysteriously disappearing after consuming the Vegan Stout Brownies. 

Assuming our methane production continues to increase, the 2027–2028 school year at Brown will be the first to join the federal list of IBS risk factors. Our farting issue could only become worse if the CDC cuts Brown's funding, over Brown's continued use of lentil dishes that potentially violate our large intestines. 

Gases and DEI (Diarrhea, Explosive Incidents, and Indigestion)

Brown’s focus on decreasing fossil fuels raises serious concerns about whether we’re saving the planet — or just fueling something much worse. Numerous studies have already pinpointed one major culprit behind Brown’s rising methane levels: the ballooning number of sustainability efforts that are completely ignoring the gastrointestinal apocalypse unfolding on campus. With a staggering 1 administrator for every 2 students, you’d think at least one of them would have figured out that serving tempeh more than three times a week is a dangerous game. But no — these administrators are busy serving us 50% mushroom burgers that do nothing to stop the campus-wide gas leaks coming from our own students.

The Brown Digestor is Back—And We’ve Launched DeBloat@Brown

After an 11-year hiatus, The Brown Digestor has launched DeBloat@Brown, an interactive website mapping the sources of gastrointestinal distress across campus. DeBloat@Brown features an AI-powered algorithm to analyze student testimonials, dining hall menus, and emergency bathroom logs. Each dish served at Brown has been categorized under three major threat levels: Mild Discomfort, Proceed with Caution, and Immediate Evacuation.

Every Brown Dining Hall has been contacted for comment and asked to provide a report detailing what was served last week, how many students regretted eating it, and whether they’d eat it themselves under oath. The results will be published publicly — so students, faculty, alumni, and fart victims everywhere can finally meet the bloat their meal swipes fund.